i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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