Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My vagina is officially offended.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I have fence marks all over my body
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
