So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
