so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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