the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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