i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Someone came in the potted fern
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
