Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The convent might be a nice break from real life
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
