plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
