I want to make a zoo with you.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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