I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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