I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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