Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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