I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
