Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize