I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
