guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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