I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
