just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize