I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
