I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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