how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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