Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
