Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
where are my eyebrows?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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