i just had sex bonerless
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
