guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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