Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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