i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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