the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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