weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
