He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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