I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
