i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
