a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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