ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
