Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
