I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
