She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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