just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize