ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
