I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
