My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
