She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize