She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Success! We fucked roommates!
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