hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
