She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
