i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
