dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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