he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize