I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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