he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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