what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
