i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dear god my vagina.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
