i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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