how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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