why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
As shirtless as possible
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Randomize