I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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