Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
