Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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