Umm I'm too high to move.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
