you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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